Hope transforms pessimism into optimism. Hope is invincible. Hope changes everything. It changes winter into summer, darkness into dawn, descent into ascent, barrenness into creativity, agony into joy. Hope is the sun. It is light. It is passion. It is the fundamental force for life's blossoming.
Wed
Jul
8
it’s been a while since i got on a computer! but Jon managed to get the internet to work so now I can finally get back on! :-D
Yes yes jon is finally here! he got here on monday! the 29th? idk but yea! i’m happy :) i missed him so much!
now we’re just saving some money, looking for some good jobs and getting ready to move into our apartment soon!
in the meantime i’ve been having a pretty good time just working and hanging out with my gurrls! although i couldnt go to Warped Tour with them this year! o0o well there’s still next year! :)
i can’t wait to get my very own apartment with jon, it’ll be nice being away from my parents! never having to worry about getting in trouble, smoking whenever, doing anything! :) hm… i still need to open my bank account!
Sun
May
31
Even though we have agreed it’s just a break, it feels horrible. There is physical pain, as lame as it sounds it’s in the heart. Tears just come out with out my knowing. I can’t even think to imagine how the real thing would feel. Us being apart was really affecting us, not being able to be in his arms, or have him close enough to just reach up and kiss him is painful. I want him with me, close by. The one person who truly made me feel safe has been away from me for 3 weeks, and it feels more like an eternity, and now with this “break” it feels even worse. I dont even know how i can express how i feel anymore. i know we need this but why does it have to be so painful, it’s just a break. Right? Please just let it be a break, i can’t and i dont want to imagine how things would be without him in my life.
We needed this. He needs to get his act together and make sure what he wants is to be with me, and if he chooses to be with me then he needs to get prepared, save enough money, make sure everything is ok with school, clean up so he can find himself a good job in welding, that’s why he graduated anyway. There’s so much that needs to be done and if it doesnt then i guess that’s that and i need to stop crying and move on.
I just wish i didnt have to go through this. I honestly thought he and i would be ok being apart from eachother….i was wrong. but there’s still hope, right?
Wed
May
27
I finally saw lauren! After my mom totally made me feel like crap, yes yes it happens quite often. She always tries to blame me for things i cant even prevent. Really not exaggerating. She blamed me for something that happened about 2 years ago and it was something that was completely out of my hands, and again today. But i got to go out with Lauren and i had a great time! She really cheered me up =-) We got hit on by some dude at Kasbah! it was kind of funny, because as soon as we walked in to Kasbah he like waved at us to come over but she thought he was just waving, so after a few minutes he came outside where we were and asked us if we were single, if so he wanted our numbers. Luckily for me i was able to say that I am already taken :) thanks to Jon haha and Lauren too, we told him that both our boyfriends are named Jon and i think he didn’t beleive us because then he asked how long we had been with our boyfriend. I said 8 months and he replied “aww y’all be serious” (he was ghetto lmao) and then he asked Lauren and she said ” a week” he then replied “ahh so yall arent serious, that means i still have a chance, and i wouldn’t want to miss out” he stuck around and talked to us for a bit, but it was extremely comical. The funniest part of all was when he asked if we smoked something other than hookah. I obvouisly replied of course and he then said if i needed a hookup haha he gave me his number. I can’t wait for this weekend, it should be fun :)
I love being home, but i honestly miss him, so much it is affecting me. I’m not sure why it’s so hard this time, maybe it’s because during previous times when we’re apart i know for a FACT that i’ll be going back to him, and this time…It’s not like that. It is uncertain what exactly will happen this summer between us, and the suspense is killing me. I can’t handle not knowing what is going to happen. Why does love have to inflict so much pain upon a simple human-being? I’m not saying i’m dependent of him, it’s not like that at all, but he is the person that i feel i share a connection with, he is the one who holds me when something is wrong and when i look into his eyes i know he loves me and that he would never really hurt me, but by him being so far away he is hurting me. I know it’s not his fault i know that but who can i blame? i want someone to blame! I want him here with me, making me happy being able to once again share our lives together. I know he wants to be with me but unfortunately for both of us he really isn’t the most dependable person, he is forgetful. Without any intentions of doing so he hurts me because of his forgetfulness and his laziness. I know we’re young, we are all lazy and sometimes can be unreliable but i wish i could instill in him how much it is breaking my heart that he isn’t here to hold me and make me feel better and ahh it just sucks dude!
What CAN i do?
We are young, i know. and i’ve heard it so many times, but this is my first boyfriend that i have been able to be with for longer then a mere 2 months! We have so much in common and though we are young and the chances of us staying together for a very long time are not so great, i want him. I want us to be together here, and if it doesn’t last then i want to learn that lesson on my own. I’m tired of people warning me, i understand their concern but they should also understand that i am not as young as they may think. I’m 18 almost 19 and though some may not agree i think i am old enough to make a desicion that involves me sharing my life with someone else. and if it doesnt work out…then i’ll know. It’s my lesson to learn so let ME learn it!
